It is the Christmas Season again

Well, it feels odd blogging again.  I have taken a break from it, mostly because I had no idea what to blog about.  Life has been very busy.  We moved into a new home in October, which made it our fourth move in three years.  We rent a very spacious apartment in my sister (and husbands) house, and we love it.  We even have a real wood-burning fireplace, which will be so nice this Christmas.  Starting in January, I will be babysitting my niece.  She is a year and one day younger than Caleb.  It is my hope that they will be great friends as the years go by.

Caleb will be two years old next month. I still cannot wrap my head around how that is even possible.    He was just born!  He has such a fun personality, and his giggles melt me completely.  Right now, however, one of the challenges we face is helping him to learn how to share. Every day is something new to learn...for Mommy & Daddy too!

I will come back when I have time, and have something a little more interesting to say :-D

Our 3rd Anniversary

Today we celebrate three years of marriage. Looking back, it seems like a lot longer, but not in a bad way.  From two years of dating, it seemed like the big day would never come.  Our first date, we stood under an umbrella because it was pouring rain. It was pouring rain on our engagement night, and it was pouring rain on our wedding day! The only day it did not rain was the day our amazing son was born...the sun was shining brightly that day.

I am so very, very thankful for my husband.  He had planned a trip for our anniversary to go to Boston, but after some thought, we chose to go to Nova Scotia instead.  We had a great trip, and we don't regret it.  We will still make it to Boston :-D

I look forward to the rest of my life with Josh, and hopefully some more kids. No news yet...stay tuned.  He is truly my best friend, and I can go to him about anything and never once feel judged or criticized. I miss him everyday when he is at work, and it warms my heart to see him again after a long day.  I love you Joshua!

Then and Now

Well, it turns out that in 2007 I started a blog...and obviously forgot about it :-) Here it is, with a photo of me at the time.

August 2007, 25 year old me with my "baby cousin"

Wow, First MySpace, then Hi5, then Facebook, now I am blogging .. oh the things we do!
But this seems like fun. Life for me is pretty good right now, I am enjoying my single-ness, and loving life. For some reason I have noticed that a particular Church dominates in asking young adults when they walk in the doors, "are you married yet" "do you have a man?" etc, etc. It's seems to be the only thing they know to ask a person...what happened to "how are you today?"
something to think about....

On the other hand I must say that I truly love my family, and I miss them with every passing day. I am amazed at how time passes by, and I am so blessed to have the family that God gave me.

Funny how time changes things :-)

31 year old me with my little family in 2013 :-)

Our Courtship & beyond

July 1st marked five years for Josh and I as an official couple.  It was probably the happiest time in my life.  We had met years before in his place of work.  I would go in to buy CD's, or movies.  At that time, I thought he was good looking, and he seemed to have such a sweet personality.  After pursuing men, and it never ever working out, I decided to not do anything. Just "see what would happen" kind of deal.

New years Eve 2008, I was invited to Gateway Community Church, where they were having a celebration.  I got dressed up, and set out.  Josh was in a band then, and watching him up on stage rocking that bass guitar, I remember thinking deep in my heart that I would marry him.  I shook my head because it was such a random thought! Little did I know it was truth.  I took the first step and said "hello" as he walked by me, and he said "hi!" back to me, and I remember he kept looking over his shoulder at me :-)

A couple days later I sent him a message on Facebook...and oh my, he wrote me back! We sent messages back and forth randomly after that.  Then in June, his brother's fiancee added me as a friend on Facebook, and started  asking me questions, and she said she thought I would be a great match for Josh. She told me that I should tag along with the band on their Canada Day trip to Bridgewater, and sure enough, Josh sent me a text message. I didn't even meet her until a couple months after we started dating.  Whoever thinks Facebook is a bad thing...it is a GOOD thing too!

Our first date alone is one I will never forget.  We met at the Mumford Bus Terminal, and took a bus to Point Pleasant Park.  It was a beautiful day! I remember being so nervous, but also happy.  We picked out a spot by the water, and Josh pulled out a picnic lunch he had made for us.  Then the sunny hot day turned almost instantly to a torrential downpour! We packed our things, and ran for cover under a grove of trees.  Josh (being ever so organized!) pulled out an umbrella from his bag, and we both stood under the umbrella awkwardly facing each other, standing so close that we could feel each others breathing.  I could sense a grin on his face at one point, and I remember just wanting to hug him.  20 minutes later the rain ended, and out came the sun.  We spent a long time in that park, talking about anything and everything.  He was amazing, and he made my heart smile.

I loved it under that umbrella ;-)

Peggy's Cove, NS

We spent a lot of time together that summer, almost every day. Picnics, movie theatre, hanging out at Peggy's Cove with his friends from Church.  It was the best summer of my life.  I had never known a person who knew me so well, so intimately so quick.  He would finish my sentences, and even speak my thoughts at any given time.

Hiking in Kentville

Breaking the rules by sitting on the Lion (I LOVE this picture though)

In September, I travelled with Josh and the band to PEI. I loved that trip.  Under the stars in the countryside at a beautiful B&B, I was walking across the yard to go to my room when Josh stopped me in my tracks, and he told me he loved me.  I literally saw stars that night.  The next morning we sat on the porch swing, watching the sun rise, and I remember thinking how could it be that I was so blessed.

When we got back, I knew I had to have a serious talk.  When I was 25, I was diagnosed with a rare bone marrow disorder, and had been on chemo.  It had a possible side effect of infertility, and I knew how much Josh wanted children.  I really thought it might be a deal breaker.  That night on the roof of my apartment building, overlooking Halifax, I told him.  He did not even flinch, and he told me that no matter what, nothing would change the way he felt about me.  There were tears, and we also shared our very first kiss.  I knew then, that he was forever.

He asked, I said YES!

 October 25, 2009.  Just four months after we started dating, he asked me to be his wife.  He came over to my apartment, and set it up like a romantic restaurant, food and all.  His wonderful grandmother cooked it all.  I had no clue...I was wondering why he was even doing this.  After we finished eating, he told me to close my eyes.  He left the room, and came back, when I opened my eyes he was on one knee holding a bouquet of red flowers in the shape of a heart, with a diamond ring in the middle.  He said "Will you marry me?" and I said "Yes!"

It was two very, very long years later that we got married.  We both agree now that if we knew what we know now, there would absolutely not be a long engagement.  But I will say, I am happy I married the man of my dreams, and we hope to renew our vows.

Our Engagement photo, taken by Craig Baltzer

Our honeymoon was an amazing, wonderful cruise to Bermuda from New York City.  It was a little intimidating taking such a big trip on our own, as it was our first time.  We absolutely loved it, and recommend it to everyone.  All inclusive, room service whenever you want, amazing food, entertainment, excursions...I could go on and on.  We cannot wait to take another cruise, someday! It was our first time being in a tropical place, and it really is kind of like a "paradise".  Just the colour of the water made me smile, and feel so relaxed.  Our trip was 8 days, and by the end of the trip we felt like we lived on the boat.  That was not a bad feeling :-)

Taking a ferry ride in Bermuda

Our first year was not "the hardest part" of marriage. It was wonderful! I believe it is what you make it.  Four months into marriage we were pregnant. And thrilled! But not long after, I had a miscarriage.  I went through unimaginable depression from it, but tried to hide it so I could be there for Josh.  Three months after losing our first, I became pregnant again.  I was scared, but I felt like maybe this would work.  Eight months later, we were Mommy & Daddy to Caleb Michael! He came just on time...not too soon, and not too late.  We absolutely love him, and thank God he is ours.

Pregnant at Halls Harbour, NS, my Favourite place

Photo Credit: Chelsea Brewster

Through life's joys, sorrows, excitements, failures, and learning experiences, I am so grateful to be able to spend it with my best friend.  This June, when someone I have known since we were kids, lost her husband in the horrible tragedy in Moncton, it really opened my eyes to the reality of life, and death.  Of being able to lose someone in an instant, or to be lost.  We are not infinite. But God is.  We need to love each other, appreciate each other, work hard, live well, and don't put off to tomorrow the love that we have today.  I know that I am not perfect, not even close.  No one is. I have made a lot of mistakes, but I hope that in some way I can be a blessing to others, and I need to start here.  My little family means everything to me.  I want our son to be raised with such love, and respect for others.  To give without expecting anything in return.  To learn from mistakes, but not dwell on them.  To love with his whole heart.  

Joshua and Caleb Riendeau...I love you with my whole heart.  I don't know what I did to deserve you both in my life, but I thank God everyday.  

He was made for me

Caleb is now almost 17 months old.  At times I find myself thinking and wondering where has the time gone? I was reminiscing last night on my first few days with him.  I was scared to becoming a mother, mostly because of the unknown.  But when he arrived, he changed it all.  Even now,  I feel so much love and protection for him, it is like I am beside myself.  I never knew I could have so much patience.  I am not perfect, there are some times when I have wanted to pull my hair out, but it is not often.  I find myself calm when he is in a moment of crisis or drama, and this can only be from God.  God made him for me. He made me to be his mother.

Caleb is a perfect fit for Josh and I.  He has both of our personalities and looks, but he is also uniquely his own.  He is at the stage now of loving and wanting hugs and cuddles a lot throughout the day.  It is so sweet! He will raise his arms for me to pick him up,  put his head on my shoulder, stroke my arm, and a minute or two later he was done, and wants to go about his business :-)

Yesterday Josh and I went to Church for the first time in months.  We had tried one here before, but because of both of us usually working on Sunday, it has been to hard to do.  We wanted to try a new-to-us Church, just to test the waters.  Josh's brothers played with a band in this church a while ago, so we got to check it out then.  For the first time in years, yesterday I did not feel anxiety.  I almost felt at peace.  We felt comfortable.  People welcomed us, genuinely. No one made us stand up in front of everyone to sing us a song to make us feel welcome. They were just real and comfortable.  We never felt forced to join in the worship like the way worship leaders wanted us to. We worshipped in our own way, and were not made to feel guilty.  We were not yelled at in the sermon.  There was no condemnation like if we left, we would be on the "path to destruction". The Associate Pastor TOLD US THIS before we left that church, which is run by family.  That is why we left Nova Scotia.

It is interesting too, that this church is called "Journey", because that is what we are on.  A new journey of discovering the real love of God, and we are happy with this new journey.

Spring is finally here!

It felt like the winter that would never end...in fact, there are still snowbanks, and ice floes in the river, but the crocuses are starting to pop up, and the grass is starting to turn green.  My favourite month is coming up, not just because of my birthday, but because June is not too hot, and not too cold.  I am looking forward to more walks and hikes, and maybe even some bike rides on the many trails Fredericton has.

Caleb started walking in March, and once he started he was unstoppable! It is so much fun having a "toddler", although I still think of him as my baby.  I probably always will :-) I love so much the little "tap tap" his shoes make when he walks, and the little strut he has.  I cannot even describe how blessed I feel to have him as my son.  My heart bursts every day, and I do not take our time for granted.

The St John River is still over it's banks, but it has receded some.

Go, go, go!

Momma's big boy

Yay for fresh air and spring at the park

One year in NB

Oh my, it is so hard to believe that one year ago we packed up very quickly, and moved to New Brunswick.  We had actually decided about a month before the move to actually do it, but we waited to tell everyone.  We had to do it that way because it was more of an escape for us.  We did not want the drama from certain people.  In February of 2013, we had a discussion with the associate pastor of the church we attended about some big concerns we had about the ministry.  It was a disaster.  He accused us of "trying to control the Holy Spirit" because we didn't agree with shouting and being yelled at on Sunday's, he said that the reason we felt that way was because we had issues that we refused to deal with. When we asked why responsibility was not being taken, he said if something was wrong then he would know it. In other words, what we said really didn't matter because we were not important.  The heated discussion went on into the evening, and nothing was resolved. We tried. The next morning at church, he took the entire conversation and used it as his sermon.  It was an effort to shame us, and put fear into us to stay in that church.  That was the last straw.

Every Sunday preceding that last Sunday was always filled with condemnation filled sermons, and a LOT of old testament rhetoric.  We were told to never, ever question leadership.  Everything would be fine if you didn't, but once you start, you are on their radar as a possible enemy.  Things were also very, very secretive.  Begging congregants for money, to take out loans and mortgages to finance the failed attempt of a Christian business that could not pay the bills.  None of this is an exaggeration.  They said that this business that they started was "God's baby" and it was the church's responsibility to "take care of the baby" (pay for it). This was followed by congregants who said they had dreams about this business, and about how God was going to pour into it financially within months, etc.  The business was evicted less than a year later, and taken to court for not paying the rent. Before the closing, we, as well as others, poured our own personal finances into it thinking we were doing a good thing...and we were told that we would be paid back, but to never tell anyone. As soon as they said to keep it quiet, I was seriously regretting giving anything.  To date we have not seen a nickel back of the thousands we loaned.  We have also learned this is the fate of others as well.

We decided to move to Fredericton, as I have family here, and it is a beautiful place to raise a young family.  It is also far from that place, and from people who only care if we do what they want.  The associate pastor tried to tell my husband that if he left, he would be on the "path to destruction". We are quite happy actually, and we are glad we did not listen to threats.  These people act nice to us now, as if nothing ever happened.  But behind our backs they told people that we left the church because my husband had "problems". The leadership covering their own backsides, trying to save face.  They have done this each time a member would leave the church.  The self-proclaimed Prophetess of that church was heard saying of my husband "I raise my boys to be a certain way, and one goes and betrays me". If leaving to live a life with his wife is a betrayal, then they a hypocritical about a man leaving his father and mother, and cleaving only to his wife. (Ephesians 5:31). That was a main staple in the pre-marriage counselling as well!)

We have forgiven, but we will not forget.

If you have grown up in that environment, then that is all you know.  That is indeed heartbreaking.  To sit week after week and just take the abuse in the name of love, just hoping things get better, you are just lying to yourself.  I can tell you now that our experiences were not just mere misunderstandings.  We left a cult.

Right before we left, tired out.  Sadly, we could not see our new Niece who was newly born early that morning, as we had a 6 hour drive ahead of us.

On the move, almost 4 months old

One year ago we packed up our tiny car, with our four month old, and began a new journey for us.  It was the best decision we ever made.  We still struggle with the idea of church, and going to church is actually a scary thing. It is going to take time and a lot of healing to trust again.  I feel so incredibly heartbroken and sad for those who chose to stay in that place.  They can get mad at me if they want, the probably already are, but I won't have my mouth taped shut, or my fingers taped together. I want them to be free to think for themselves, not fed what to think from the pulpit. I was told it is easier to just ignore what they say, and let it go, but that is unhealthy, and unconsciously you will be letting their words into your soul.

We are happy in our new home, and love the peace we have being on our own.  We do miss our friends and family in NS, and hope someday this can all be a distant memory.  We are constantly praying for those affected, even if they do not know that they are.

Getting back up

April 2001 was a milestone of sorts for me.  I was learning to drive. My dad had bought a new family car, a Pontiac Sunfire, and in 2001 there were a lot more of them around. It was a nice shiny, brand new car.  The next day, Dad and I went out for a drive, and he put me in the drivers seat so I could get some more practice.  I was just about ready to get my full license.  We drove all over the Valley.  Port Williams, Kingsport Beach, etc.  It was a mild, sunny day.  I even remember we were listening to Kerry Livgren's "Decade" CD. We drove through Canning, up the North Mountain.

Lovely Kingsport Beach

When we got to the top, we turned left towards Halls Harbour.  I remember thinking I REALLY had to go pee...serious.  I knew I would have to wait until we got to the Harbour.  No more than 30 seconds passed when we came to the Baxter's Harbour Rd intersection when a car flew at high speed through the stop sign and t-boned us on the front of the car, drivers side.  The air bags deployed, and the car spun a few times and landed in the ditch.  It felt like slow motion. I remember the smell of smoke, powder from the airbags, and somehow getting out of the car and landing in a small snowbank, and some nearby farmers ran over to assist us.  Dad ran to check on the other driver.  He had not been wearing a seatbelt, and had landed on the passenger side, and was trapped.  He was drunk.  I kept thinking "I killed someone, I killed someone" and apologizing to Dad for crashing the car. After that is a blur, with vague memories of paramedics and firefighters, and being strapped to a backboard with blood on my face from the airbag sending my fist into my nose.  The paramedics had to cut my jeans up to my hip because my leg was hurt.  I did not see the car until a few days later at the junkyard, and it was a write off. The front end like a piece of tinfoil folded in someone's hand.

That day was in a way a nightmare. I saw "my life flash before my eyes".  If that car had of hit us a second or two later, he would have hit us driver side, and I would have been killed.  At 1:00pm, his blood alcohol level was through the roof.  He told the police that his buddy was driving his car, and had run off.  Months later, Dad and I had to testify in court against him.  I don't remember the outcome, except we did get a small cash settlement, and another new car.

I did not want to drive again. For days after the accident, I could not be in a quiet room because I would constantly hear the "BANG" of metal against metal.  I had whiplash and back pain, which still affects me today.  What also affects me is the memory, and the sense of gratefulness that no one was killed.  I did not want to get behind the wheel of a car again.

I have always felt very close to my dad.  I don't know why.  Maybe because he was the first to hold me when I was born.  I read in a note that when I was an hour old, I was very fussy and crying, but when my dad reached into the isolette, I stopped crying and was still.  I have always felt a bond with him.  A month or so after the accident, he was driving with me to my Nan's in Port Williams.  He pulled over to the side of the road, and told me to get into the drivers seat.  My heart pounded.  Every time I was in town and someone would pull out from an intersection or a driveway, I would flinch. I still get nervous now, but not as bad.  He said if I did not get back into the drivers seat, I would regret it.  So I did it. I took my time, and we made it to Nan's. In July 2001, I got my full drivers license, thanks to my dad.

Daddy's girl from day one. June 1982, born 10 weeks premature.

This day would not have happened were it not for the Grace of God looking out for us that day.

Happy, healthy, and now a Wife and Mommy, standing with my Dad in Fredericton.

Just like Caleb learning to walk, all he needed to begin, was Confidence.  In life, if you fall off a horse, you get right back on.  Don't let a setback change the course of your life.  This applies to all areas of life.  The horse I have to get back on is to get back into a Church fellowship.  We are taking one step at a time, one day a time.  Thank you God for sparing us, and for blessing us beyond what we ever dreamed.

Walking the walk....

Well today Caleb hit a huge milestone. He is walking! It is hard in this social media world to not compare and think well maybe he is walking a little late, but each and every baby hits their own milestone when they are ready.  Today was his day! Walking before a year does not make a baby any smarter than one walking at 14 months.  It just means he was taking his sweet time.  He has walked for months with assistance, but was very hesitant to let go of our finger or anything stable, so his legs have had plenty of practice.  I am so proud of my little boy, and I am so glad I did not miss it.  Pretty soon we will be running to catch up with him :-)

Writers Block

It has been a while since I have written anything here, mostly because I don't know what to say.  I guess that is called "writers block".  There are so many things I could say, but I won't say yet.  I am still dealing with heavy emotions, and wanting to do and say the right thing.  I have had to block some people from my Facebook, as sometimes I get heated when I see some things they say online, and I also do not want to hurt them by what I say.  I tend to post a lot on religion, and the dangers, because I came out of two churches on very dangerous roads.  When someone does not see the wrong in the place they are in, they will just look at my posts and hate me, and I do not want that.  Relationships should be more than social media anyway. We all tend to say things online that we would never say to someones face, even if we think we are "correcting" that person.

Actions usually speak louder than words. Our action was we left Nova Scotia to start a new life for us, apart from the church that deeply hurt us.  Some may see it as a betrayal, but they do not see everything (yet).  It took me years to get over the hurt of the previous church I attended before I met Josh.  I was an angry person coming out of there.  But now I have come to accept that there was nothing I could do, but move on, and move on I did.  God knows our hearts, and is the ultimate healer.  We are learning over again to trust in Him, and walk with Him again.  It is a process, a painful process. We are so incredibly thankful for true friends that stood beside us and did not ignore us.

On the topic of heavy emotions.  Some believe that emotions are bad, and we are not to be "controlled" by them.  Usually those people are.  There are good, and bad emotions, but they are there to work through, not to ignore.  A lot of Christians can't stand the thought of having to deal with anyone who shows their emotions if they are not always good.  We must be in sin if we are having a bad day, or we are being controlled by our emotions. Sometimes people just need someone to LISTEN, and not try to solve the issue of why we feel the way we do...by posting scriptures online pertaining to the issue.  That is called "Proof-Texting". It can be dangerous, and we need to be careful if we are doing that. Here is a link to an explanation of proof-texting:

http://www.reclaimingthemind.org/blog/2010/09/the-problem-with-proof-texting/

Having any kind of emotion is not bad, it is healthy and wise to feel them, release them, and move on.  But not rushed so to ignore them as if you never had any feeling.  It is also not wise to always follow a person whether it be a pastor, author, or speaker, and not be able to back it up.  I used to be one to literally worship (I didn't realize it at the time), a Pastor, and it is dangerous! The only one deserving of our worship is the Lord.

Shawn Annis of Faith Christian Fellowship in Moncton sums it up well:

Faith, fear, and unbelief are not choices you make. Nobody in the history of the human race has chosen an emotion.

"Faith cometh by..." It's a fruit of a root. That root is who Jesus is and what He has done for you.

Compassionless condemnation tells a person he/she has "chosen" fear or unbelief. 

See Jesus in His grace and He will see you in His faith.

On a much brighter note, our little guy is 14 months old today! He is an amazing ray of sunshine in our lives, and I am so so so happy we have him.  Although I am not expecting right now, I am looking forward to him having a sibling someday ;-)  Children are such a blessing from the Lord, and we take seriously the task of raising him, and I hope and pray he will be a responsible, respectful, fun loving man who will always love others.  It is fun to see his personality grow along with him.

Saving the world, one diaper at a time

It is now 4:56pm, and the sun is still shining very brightly.  Don't forget to put the clocks ahead tomorrow night! Although now most clocks and phones do that themselves :-) The temperature is also above zero...horrrraaaayyyy!!!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Although we were married in 2011, Today marks my 4th Valentines Day with my dear husband, Joshua.  We started "courting" in 2009.  Maybe sometime I will blog "Our Story" :-)

Words cannot express how grateful I am to have him in my life.  He has always been there with a word of encouragement, and an amazing hug.  He makes me laugh, he wipes my tears when I cry, and he even knows what feminine product I use, haha.  He is a keeper! This morning as I went into the kitchen, he stopped me in my tracks and told me not to enter. I could smell pancakes though! He creatively set up the island in the middle of our kitchen with orange juice in our crystal goblets, and he used my favourite classic dishes.  He made heart-shaped pancakes, and had my FAVOURITE Lindt melt-in-your-mouth chocolates.

A lot of people say Valentines Day is a "Hallmark Holiday", and that it doesn't really matter. But I think that if there is a day where we can especially share the love we have for each other, than we should.  Life is so short, and we need to celebrate each other ON Valentines Day, and every day of the year.  Since I was a little girl, I have known seven young people in my life through the years that have tragically died too young.  It has taught me to appreciate and love life, and live it to the fullest.  No one is immune from death, but we have a choice to live life the best way we can.

P.S. I Love You all!

Sochi Olympics - Go Team Canada!

Well it is that time again! It feels like the 2010 Vancouver Olympics just ended...how can it be 2014 already? I have always been a big fan of the Olympics.  Among my favourites are Pairs Skating, Ski Jump, Hockey, and I LOVE speed skating.  I'm not sure how Team Canada will do this year, but we got our first Bronze medal today.  I am praying also for the athlete's safety in Sochi, since there have been numerous threats against the games from extremists. We looked on the map, and Sochi is actually in the southern part of Russia, close to the middle east.  I didn't know they could get a lot of snow there :-)

Go Canada Go!

Caleb is cheering for Canada ;-)