A Blessing...not a curse

For some time now, we have had a suspicion that Caleb may have Autism.  It was not an easy thing to talk about, let alone think about.  When I would think of kids with Autism, I thought of kids that could not function.  I was very naive, and when I started to look into it, I was open to a whole different world of information. One thing I do know, is that it is a blessing, not a curse. Why? Because he is still my Caleb. My son. My son that is on the Autism Spectrum.

I think I saw some signs back even before he was a year old. I would convince myself that it was just something cute that he was doing, and he would outgrow it in no time. I also feared the stigmas. I used to believe them myself.  How could I ever have a child with Autism? Would I even be able to manage? What would people think? 

He has always been a VERY Happy boy!

Caleb is actually quite high functioning. So much so, that his Psychologist said we did not even need to announce to everyone that he is on the spectrum. He was very late to speak, and struggles include his fine and gross motor skills, and picky eating that is beyond "normal" for a toddler. He also can have an epic meltdown when he feels his communication is not breaking through.  The reason I want to bring this to light, is because I don't want it to be something to hide.  He is AMAZING, in spite of what being on the spectrum could say about him to others.  Some say that even Albert Einstein was on the spectrum, and he was one of the worlds smartest scientists. He did not speak until he was four years old.  Caleb is coming along nicely with his words, and is talking more all the time.  He is eligible for in-home therapy, and he starts in two weeks. It is provincially funded, and the best in Canada! He was only on the waitlist for two months.

This is still all new to us, and we are learning as we go.  We are not looking for sympathy, advice, tips on parenting (Some people out there think Autism is caused by bad parenting. A rant for some other time perhaps...ugh!). We just would love acceptance, and most of all support.  Give Caleb a huge high five when you see him, or the famous fist-pump.  Play tag with him, chase him down the hall, and listen to him squeal in delight! Sing a song to him, and he will most likely sing with you. Get down to his level, and accept him. He is Caleb!

My little man! I would never change a thing.

Good News

It has certainly been a while since I have written on my blog. A lot has happened. Josh lost his job twice because of the business closing, my Dad was diagnosed with Colon Cancer in January, around the time of my last entry.  He had part of his colon removed at the end of March, and thankfully, he is now cancer free.  He did not even require chemo. All because he took an early detection kit from the mail.  My Dad has always been private.  Never a sick day, he played hockey, he was a runner, he walked...but cancer does not pick favourites. This was hard for him to do.  Because of being open about it, others have been able to take the step of going to their doctor, and asking to be tested. His life was spared, and now others may have that hope.

That has been the most amazing news after an incredibly long winter. That, and my husband has a job interview tomorrow :-)

Dad, I love and appreciate you so much.  I am so thankful for your opportunity to seize life, and to be able to watch your grand babies grow.

xoxoxo

Let's Talk...

Sitting here clicking on my keyboard, my heart is racing, and I feel a big lump in my throat.  I have wanted to talk about this for a very long time.  This morning I thought, this is the day.  It is #BellLetsTalk day, raising awareness for mental illness.  I spoke with my husband this morning, and he gave me his full support.  Here we go.

I suffer from depression.  To some it may not be a surprise at all, but to others maybe you had no idea.  There is such a stigma behind it, that it is very scary to even think about talking to someone about it.  Through the years of being in evangelical church settings, it was never ever talked about, because depression and any form of mental illness was "of the devil". Bible verses would be shot out of a cannon at you, and they would ask from the pulpit, and elsewhere..."Where do you think those thoughts are coming from?" "That is stinking thinking...change your thoughts!" "YOU have CONTROL over your THOUGHTS"...I could go on and on.

Another stigma is, what kind of upbringing would cause that? Let me be the first to say, my upbringing was great.  I absolutely adore my loving parents, and I know how they love us.  This is not from them. They did nothing to cause this.

When I was very young, I would go to birthday parties, and sit in the corner watching the other kids play.  I had anxiety whenever a teacher would correct me, feeling like something was really wrong with me.  If I didn't feel like I fit in with others, I would not even try.  I carried it on myself.  I had constant "butterflies" in my stomach at school, and I never quite felt that I could do anything great.  But I never tried because of that lack of confidence.  One positive experience was in grade 11, when I tried out for Volleyball.  I was not very good, but the coach chose me to be on the team.  Being a part of that team for two years was what really carried me through. I felt like I belonged, even in a small way.  I LOVED going to practices and games.  I will forever be grateful to David Morton, for always encouraging me, and helping me to see that I could do it if I tried.  If he ever somehow reads this...a big THANK YOU goes to you.

After High School was probably when I hit rock bottom.  Everyone I had known throughout my youth had gone off to University.  I tried joining "College & Career" groups, but I was so uncomfortable, I was socially awkward.  I even would try to get the attention of young men in these groups, which was just an ultimate fail, because no relationship can ever be built if it is forced.  In my desperation to have someone like me, I ignored the inner warnings of that, and in the process just pushed people away from me. So, I moved to Halifax.

Moving to the big city at 21 was scary, but at the same time an adventure of sorts.  I was on my own, making my own decisions. I was part of a large church, and tried getting involved with it.  I did make friends, and I love that Facebook can connect us after all these years.  But even with great people in my life, I was depressed.  The time I spent outside of work was spent in my bedroom, watching tv. Usually family, feel-good shows and movies that would give me a "pick me up".  If I did go out with friends, I was nervous.  I would constantly ask for prayer from leadership, but all they offered was advice to forget about how I was feeling, not to let my emotions control me.

I think as humans, we never want to deal with anything that we cannot control.  Depression is something that I cannot control, let alone my well-meaning friends.  It is easier to give a pat on the back, and walk away, rather than just be a friend who will listen.  This is why a lot of people simply do not ask for help, and never tell anyone about what they are going through.  One fear I had was that once people knew, that they would probably discredit anything I ever say. They would think I am weak, am I suicidal? Can she make important decisions? Is she stable? See the STIGMA that even I felt about it.

When I had Caleb, I didn't really have post partum depression. I was so happy, I couldn't contain it.  I had some moments of tears after having lack of sleep, but aside from that I was thrilled to be Caleb's Mommy.  When I do feel depressed, it is usually a couple times a month when I go through what us ladies have to deal with for most of our life.  It can last a week, or more.  It is nothing to be afraid of. I am not less, or more of a person for having to deal with this.

My goal in telling all of you about this, is that just maybe I can be some sort of encouragement.  We all put on our best face for social media. We never want anyone to see our flaws and our scars.  I want to encourage others, and I want to be part of the larger community. It is not always easy for me to take that step.  It is like stepping over a wild river. Sometimes we need a hand, or friends to call from that other side, saying  "You can do it! I believe in you!" My Husband is one of those people.  Believeing in me from day one, and never being afraid of the real me.  Never trying to "fix" me, because I am not something broken that needs to be fixed.  I need to be loved. That's all.

Please, feel free to share with me, or anyone, if you have your own unique struggles that you don't want to keep hidden any longer.  It takes courage to do it.  Even now, I am thinking of deleting this post (haha, really!). But we need each other. And don't think that because I have depression, it means I am contagious, or you need to walk on egg shells around me. BE YOURSELF! Be free! Being free is not hiding.

Okay. Let's Talk. I am here for you.

BE YOURSELF

Birthday Boy

Well the time has now come and gone...my son is now Two years old.  Sometimes it seems like he was just born.  We brought him home from the hospital, and I thought "how on earth am I going to take care of a newborn?". As the days and weeks passed, the confidence came, and I found with God's help I was able to do it.  Now have an active, fun loving, happy, toddler.  He is already wearing 4T shirts, just sprouting right up.  I cannot imagine my life without him.

Having a baby just two weeks after Christmas has meant getting a surplus of gifts, mainly toys. We appreciate the generosity of family and friends just a short time after Christmas! He loved his party, and the cake this year too.

He is starting to speak more now, but he still babbles a lot. He spelled out the first four letters in "birthday" when he saw his birthday banner, which was a big surprise! He watches "Super Why and the Super Readers" as well as "Team Umizoomi", so he is learning a lot about letters and numbers.  He can count to five forward and backward now.  It is so much fun seeing him learn, and seeing him figure things out. He is seeing a speech therapist for some sessions to help him along too.

I hope everyone is having a great winter so far.  I will try to come back as time allows, and I will try to write more as anything comes to my mind to write.

It is the Christmas Season again

Well, it feels odd blogging again.  I have taken a break from it, mostly because I had no idea what to blog about.  Life has been very busy.  We moved into a new home in October, which made it our fourth move in three years.  We rent a very spacious apartment in my sister (and husbands) house, and we love it.  We even have a real wood-burning fireplace, which will be so nice this Christmas.  Starting in January, I will be babysitting my niece.  She is a year and one day younger than Caleb.  It is my hope that they will be great friends as the years go by.

Caleb will be two years old next month. I still cannot wrap my head around how that is even possible.    He was just born!  He has such a fun personality, and his giggles melt me completely.  Right now, however, one of the challenges we face is helping him to learn how to share. Every day is something new to learn...for Mommy & Daddy too!

I will come back when I have time, and have something a little more interesting to say :-D

Our 3rd Anniversary

Today we celebrate three years of marriage. Looking back, it seems like a lot longer, but not in a bad way.  From two years of dating, it seemed like the big day would never come.  Our first date, we stood under an umbrella because it was pouring rain. It was pouring rain on our engagement night, and it was pouring rain on our wedding day! The only day it did not rain was the day our amazing son was born...the sun was shining brightly that day.

I am so very, very thankful for my husband.  He had planned a trip for our anniversary to go to Boston, but after some thought, we chose to go to Nova Scotia instead.  We had a great trip, and we don't regret it.  We will still make it to Boston :-D

I look forward to the rest of my life with Josh, and hopefully some more kids. No news yet...stay tuned.  He is truly my best friend, and I can go to him about anything and never once feel judged or criticized. I miss him everyday when he is at work, and it warms my heart to see him again after a long day.  I love you Joshua!

Then and Now

Well, it turns out that in 2007 I started a blog...and obviously forgot about it :-) Here it is, with a photo of me at the time.

August 2007, 25 year old me with my "baby cousin"

Wow, First MySpace, then Hi5, then Facebook, now I am blogging .. oh the things we do!
But this seems like fun. Life for me is pretty good right now, I am enjoying my single-ness, and loving life. For some reason I have noticed that a particular Church dominates in asking young adults when they walk in the doors, "are you married yet" "do you have a man?" etc, etc. It's seems to be the only thing they know to ask a person...what happened to "how are you today?"
something to think about....

On the other hand I must say that I truly love my family, and I miss them with every passing day. I am amazed at how time passes by, and I am so blessed to have the family that God gave me.

Funny how time changes things :-)

31 year old me with my little family in 2013 :-)

Our Courtship & beyond

July 1st marked five years for Josh and I as an official couple.  It was probably the happiest time in my life.  We had met years before in his place of work.  I would go in to buy CD's, or movies.  At that time, I thought he was good looking, and he seemed to have such a sweet personality.  After pursuing men, and it never ever working out, I decided to not do anything. Just "see what would happen" kind of deal.

New years Eve 2008, I was invited to Gateway Community Church, where they were having a celebration.  I got dressed up, and set out.  Josh was in a band then, and watching him up on stage rocking that bass guitar, I remember thinking deep in my heart that I would marry him.  I shook my head because it was such a random thought! Little did I know it was truth.  I took the first step and said "hello" as he walked by me, and he said "hi!" back to me, and I remember he kept looking over his shoulder at me :-)

A couple days later I sent him a message on Facebook...and oh my, he wrote me back! We sent messages back and forth randomly after that.  Then in June, his brother's fiancee added me as a friend on Facebook, and started  asking me questions, and she said she thought I would be a great match for Josh. She told me that I should tag along with the band on their Canada Day trip to Bridgewater, and sure enough, Josh sent me a text message. I didn't even meet her until a couple months after we started dating.  Whoever thinks Facebook is a bad thing...it is a GOOD thing too!

Our first date alone is one I will never forget.  We met at the Mumford Bus Terminal, and took a bus to Point Pleasant Park.  It was a beautiful day! I remember being so nervous, but also happy.  We picked out a spot by the water, and Josh pulled out a picnic lunch he had made for us.  Then the sunny hot day turned almost instantly to a torrential downpour! We packed our things, and ran for cover under a grove of trees.  Josh (being ever so organized!) pulled out an umbrella from his bag, and we both stood under the umbrella awkwardly facing each other, standing so close that we could feel each others breathing.  I could sense a grin on his face at one point, and I remember just wanting to hug him.  20 minutes later the rain ended, and out came the sun.  We spent a long time in that park, talking about anything and everything.  He was amazing, and he made my heart smile.

I loved it under that umbrella ;-)

Peggy's Cove, NS

We spent a lot of time together that summer, almost every day. Picnics, movie theatre, hanging out at Peggy's Cove with his friends from Church.  It was the best summer of my life.  I had never known a person who knew me so well, so intimately so quick.  He would finish my sentences, and even speak my thoughts at any given time.

Hiking in Kentville

Breaking the rules by sitting on the Lion (I LOVE this picture though)

In September, I travelled with Josh and the band to PEI. I loved that trip.  Under the stars in the countryside at a beautiful B&B, I was walking across the yard to go to my room when Josh stopped me in my tracks, and he told me he loved me.  I literally saw stars that night.  The next morning we sat on the porch swing, watching the sun rise, and I remember thinking how could it be that I was so blessed.

When we got back, I knew I had to have a serious talk.  When I was 25, I was diagnosed with a rare bone marrow disorder, and had been on chemo.  It had a possible side effect of infertility, and I knew how much Josh wanted children.  I really thought it might be a deal breaker.  That night on the roof of my apartment building, overlooking Halifax, I told him.  He did not even flinch, and he told me that no matter what, nothing would change the way he felt about me.  There were tears, and we also shared our very first kiss.  I knew then, that he was forever.

He asked, I said YES!

 October 25, 2009.  Just four months after we started dating, he asked me to be his wife.  He came over to my apartment, and set it up like a romantic restaurant, food and all.  His wonderful grandmother cooked it all.  I had no clue...I was wondering why he was even doing this.  After we finished eating, he told me to close my eyes.  He left the room, and came back, when I opened my eyes he was on one knee holding a bouquet of red flowers in the shape of a heart, with a diamond ring in the middle.  He said "Will you marry me?" and I said "Yes!"

It was two very, very long years later that we got married.  We both agree now that if we knew what we know now, there would absolutely not be a long engagement.  But I will say, I am happy I married the man of my dreams, and we hope to renew our vows.

Our Engagement photo, taken by Craig Baltzer

Our honeymoon was an amazing, wonderful cruise to Bermuda from New York City.  It was a little intimidating taking such a big trip on our own, as it was our first time.  We absolutely loved it, and recommend it to everyone.  All inclusive, room service whenever you want, amazing food, entertainment, excursions...I could go on and on.  We cannot wait to take another cruise, someday! It was our first time being in a tropical place, and it really is kind of like a "paradise".  Just the colour of the water made me smile, and feel so relaxed.  Our trip was 8 days, and by the end of the trip we felt like we lived on the boat.  That was not a bad feeling :-)

Taking a ferry ride in Bermuda

Our first year was not "the hardest part" of marriage. It was wonderful! I believe it is what you make it.  Four months into marriage we were pregnant. And thrilled! But not long after, I had a miscarriage.  I went through unimaginable depression from it, but tried to hide it so I could be there for Josh.  Three months after losing our first, I became pregnant again.  I was scared, but I felt like maybe this would work.  Eight months later, we were Mommy & Daddy to Caleb Michael! He came just on time...not too soon, and not too late.  We absolutely love him, and thank God he is ours.

Pregnant at Halls Harbour, NS, my Favourite place

Photo Credit: Chelsea Brewster

Through life's joys, sorrows, excitements, failures, and learning experiences, I am so grateful to be able to spend it with my best friend.  This June, when someone I have known since we were kids, lost her husband in the horrible tragedy in Moncton, it really opened my eyes to the reality of life, and death.  Of being able to lose someone in an instant, or to be lost.  We are not infinite. But God is.  We need to love each other, appreciate each other, work hard, live well, and don't put off to tomorrow the love that we have today.  I know that I am not perfect, not even close.  No one is. I have made a lot of mistakes, but I hope that in some way I can be a blessing to others, and I need to start here.  My little family means everything to me.  I want our son to be raised with such love, and respect for others.  To give without expecting anything in return.  To learn from mistakes, but not dwell on them.  To love with his whole heart.  

Joshua and Caleb Riendeau...I love you with my whole heart.  I don't know what I did to deserve you both in my life, but I thank God everyday.  

He was made for me

Caleb is now almost 17 months old.  At times I find myself thinking and wondering where has the time gone? I was reminiscing last night on my first few days with him.  I was scared to becoming a mother, mostly because of the unknown.  But when he arrived, he changed it all.  Even now,  I feel so much love and protection for him, it is like I am beside myself.  I never knew I could have so much patience.  I am not perfect, there are some times when I have wanted to pull my hair out, but it is not often.  I find myself calm when he is in a moment of crisis or drama, and this can only be from God.  God made him for me. He made me to be his mother.

Caleb is a perfect fit for Josh and I.  He has both of our personalities and looks, but he is also uniquely his own.  He is at the stage now of loving and wanting hugs and cuddles a lot throughout the day.  It is so sweet! He will raise his arms for me to pick him up,  put his head on my shoulder, stroke my arm, and a minute or two later he was done, and wants to go about his business :-)

Yesterday Josh and I went to Church for the first time in months.  We had tried one here before, but because of both of us usually working on Sunday, it has been to hard to do.  We wanted to try a new-to-us Church, just to test the waters.  Josh's brothers played with a band in this church a while ago, so we got to check it out then.  For the first time in years, yesterday I did not feel anxiety.  I almost felt at peace.  We felt comfortable.  People welcomed us, genuinely. No one made us stand up in front of everyone to sing us a song to make us feel welcome. They were just real and comfortable.  We never felt forced to join in the worship like the way worship leaders wanted us to. We worshipped in our own way, and were not made to feel guilty.  We were not yelled at in the sermon.  There was no condemnation like if we left, we would be on the "path to destruction". The Associate Pastor TOLD US THIS before we left that church, which is run by family.  That is why we left Nova Scotia.

It is interesting too, that this church is called "Journey", because that is what we are on.  A new journey of discovering the real love of God, and we are happy with this new journey.

Spring is finally here!

It felt like the winter that would never end...in fact, there are still snowbanks, and ice floes in the river, but the crocuses are starting to pop up, and the grass is starting to turn green.  My favourite month is coming up, not just because of my birthday, but because June is not too hot, and not too cold.  I am looking forward to more walks and hikes, and maybe even some bike rides on the many trails Fredericton has.

Caleb started walking in March, and once he started he was unstoppable! It is so much fun having a "toddler", although I still think of him as my baby.  I probably always will :-) I love so much the little "tap tap" his shoes make when he walks, and the little strut he has.  I cannot even describe how blessed I feel to have him as my son.  My heart bursts every day, and I do not take our time for granted.

The St John River is still over it's banks, but it has receded some.

Go, go, go!

Momma's big boy

Yay for fresh air and spring at the park