Always wanting to be a Mommy, but scared to death of kids. I would always hear horror stories, see the screaming kids in the grocery store, see the one screaming while the parents tried to eat at the restaurant...how on earth would I be able to handle having a child of my own? I had never included a husband into the equation, even though it was my plan to have a husband, because I would not have sex before marriage (and I didn't have sex before marriage, thankfully).
Meeting Josh was special. It wasn't goosebumps "love at first sight" gaga type of thing. It was soft, a glow that would not go away. He was, and is, a gentleman, and is everything I have ever wanted in a man. Everything I had prayed for, and waited for. I waited a long, long time for the right one. I had only dated a few men, and for very short periods of time. After four months of dating, Josh asked me to marry him. Two LONG, LONG YEARS later, we were married. Looking back at my 28 year old self, I would say do not draw out the engagement...get married within six months or a year. Circumstances of a long engagement, and the wedding that we had no say in, still bothers me. If I could do it all over again I would, but it would be our way. I won't go into the details of how the wedding was a bad dream, but I won't. I will say that in the end, being married to my absolute best friend is the best outcome of all.
In January of 2012, we found out that we were pregnant. Boy were we excited...our first baby! On one of our first dates, I asked Josh right out, "do you want kids" and he said "Absolutely." with no hesitation, and he maintained eye contact. He was a keeper! Everyday on my way to work, I would daydream of what the baby would be, who he/she would look like, everything you dream about when you are pregnant. Two weeks later, I started having bad cramps and discharge, so a friend drove me to the hospital. They tested my levels, and told me to come back the next day to see if they would drop. We went back, and sure enough they did slightly. I saw my OB/GYN, and she said that I was a "threatened miscarriage" but there could still be a chance. I felt encouraged. The next day, the cramps became harder, and contraction like. I called my friend again, and she picked me up and Josh at work, and took us to the hospital again. The waiting room was so full, a Nurse came out and told everyone to leave because there were no beds. I sat there crying but she said we have one for you. When I walked in, I felt the most horrible pain ever, and leaned onto the bed, and then I felt something slip out, and suddenly the pain was gone. I hobbled to the bathroom and looked, and there was my little baby. Barely the size of a finger nail. The nurse gave it to the Doctor, and he verified that it was "loss of the pregnancy" but to Josh and I, it was our baby. We both cried, and called our parents. The staff of the Cobequid Health Centre Emergency Department were so compassionate and helpful while we were there.
The weeks preceding the miscarriage was the worst time of my life. I still had pregnancy hormones, and it can take up to six weeks for them to drop to normal. I was sad, but I found it hard to cry. I felt like I had to be there for Josh. I watched every season of Full House, to try to keep my mood up. I was so depressed. We were so thankful for family and friends that brought us meals, as we didn't feel like cooking. To us, it was a death. Our baby, our dreams. I didn't know if I would ever feel better, or if I could get pregnant again.
April 2012...pregnant again! I took several tests just to be sure, and saw my OB/GYN right away. She was great, and I actually miss her! At our ultrasound at 18 weeks, we were told by the radiologist that the scan showed "soft markers" for down syndrome, and that there were also cysts on his brain. We were shocked, and didn't know what to think. We both cried, and wondered if this would work. Would he/she be ok? We prayed, and decided no matter what, this baby would be loved! We went to UC Baby in September and found out "It's a Boy!" I had that feeling all along, and I was right (this time). We already knew we wanted to name him Caleb Michael. It just seemed to fit.
More to come later. Little man is waking up from his nap :-)
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