Happy New Year!

Happy New Year, and welcome 2014! I hope and pray this year is an amazing one, with joy, love, and freedom.  Right now Caleb is sleeping, and Josh and I are about to munch on some appetizers.  Peace & Love 💙

The end of another year

At the end of every new year, I always find myself reflecting on the past 12 months.  This year is no exception, but I find myself sometimes feeling overwhelmed at the weight of 2013, the joys and the sorrows.  Becoming a new Mommy in the first week of 2013 was beyond words.  Something I looked forward to my whole life.  It was nothing I ever imagined. It was hard, but better than I ever thought. Was it easy? No.  Was it worth it? Yes.  I know I could not have done it without my amazing husband. My best friend and love.  Ever since I met him, I still wonder how on earth I deserved a man like him.

Engagement Photo, November 2009

First year Married, October 2011, Hemlock Ravines Park

Caleb loves his Daddy! December 2013

I feel like crying when I think about how hard he works, how much he loves me for me, and the way he is with our son.  The strength he has been given by God in the last year is amazing.  He is not perfect, neither am I.  We are two people committed to God, and to each other, no matter what.  We have laughed a lot, cried a lot, sacrificed a lot, and wondered why things happened, or didn't happen.  We do not candy coat life.  We live it, in all it's beauty and ugliness.

At some point, I will post the real story of what happened, and why we left Nova Scotia.  I am waiting for the right time, and the right words.  I will not lie, and I will not cover up.  The truth will come.

2014.  Wow.  Every new year, I always think the next year sounds funny until I get used to it.  I think this year we will be spending our NYE at home, watching the countdown on TV (I always stay up and watch the countdown at Times Square too!), maybe with a glass of blueberry wine. GASP! Yes, we occassionally each have one. Let the internal judging and "dreams" begin! No, we will not go to hell for it.

3 months old, getting ready to leave Bedford, April 2013

2013 has been a year to remember.  Some of it I would like to forget...except for every moment with my loving husband and amazing baby boy.  It is comforting to know that God is with us no matter what, and the best is yet to come.

Stay tuned....

Add caption

Pastors, Teachers, Christians...

This may make some angry, but it needs to be said.  No one is better than another, especially at the pulpit.  We need to be real, and stop putting on a show.  There is so much more I could say, but I won't at this time.

He Never leaves us

The inevitable happened last night...Caleb got his first bloody nose, when he slipped and fell on it on the tile floor.  I knew owwies would begin at some point, but I didn't feel ready for it. As I tried to comfort him, I felt like crying myself.  I want to take his pain, and I wanted him to be happy again.  Once the trauma was over, and he was safe and happy in bed, it hit me.  It is the same with God.  People often blame him when bad things happen.  He is always with us. ALWAYS.  He never leaves, contrary to some belief.  When Caleb fell, it doesn't mean Daddy allowed it to happen.  But he was right there to pick him up again, and comfort him. When bad things happen to us, it doesn't mean God "allowed" it...but He is right there with us to pick us up again and comfort us. What an amazing thing!



I have become so tired of hearing certain Christians say how when we sin, God's presence leaves us.  Such nonsense! But this is coming from a borderline cult.  The presence of God NEVER leaves, as He promised to never leave nor forsake us, and to be with us until the end of time.  You can also never lose your salvation, no matter what you do.  If you lose it, you never had it to begin with.  There is so much more I could say on the topic, but maybe I'll save it for another time.  Bottom line is this, (taken from Jeff Turner and Sound of Awakening Ministries):

Theology that makes you feel bad about feeling good, and good about feeling bad is...bad. Theology that induces panic and paints God as angry, violent and retributive is...bad. Theology that presents God the Father as being someone completely different from Christ is bad.

Don't be stuck in the mindset that performance is what moves God.  He Loves you, He knows you, and he is never taken by surprise.  If you are loving getting yelled at in church, where they only preach on sin, and never on the finished work of Jesus, then maybe you should consider where you are going with it.  No where.  Selah.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas from the Riendeau's!

Caleb enjoyed opening his very first present tonight.  Although he really didn't know what was going on, Mommy really enjoyed it :-)

Tomorrow is Christmas Dinner with my hubby.  The wicked ice storm that plagued most of the continent has passed, and we had an amazing sunset tonight. God bless!

Our dream come true, Part Two

The night before I gave birth was a night like this.  Snow, ice, slippery roads.  But I thought he was coming at Christmas time.  I was having irregular contractions, and a lot of braxton hicks, especially on Christmas Day.  I felt so big, so uncomfortable.  I could not wait to have him out, but I also knew I would miss being pregnant..

The night before Caleb entered our world was a stormy one...

Two more weeks passed, and so did a lot of contractions.  None enough to feel like I was in labour, but always to wonder if it was soon.  On January 6, 2012, I felt like it was time to be checked. They were every 5 minutes.  The drive to the hospital was interesting. It was so snowy.  Our doula was staying with us at the time, so she drove us and accompanied us to the IWK.  The RN checked me and said I was 1cm.  She recommended staying around and doing some walking, or going home and wait to see what would happened.  We stayed and walked 9 flights of stairs, pausing every once in a while to breath.  I decided to head home since the roads were so messy.  I sat on the exercise ball, and watched tv for a bit, and then went to bed, not knowing everything would soon change.

New Years Eve 2012, 38 weeks Pregnant

The New Riendeau!

January 7th, 2013. I had a good sleep. 6:30am, I woke up feeling like Niagara Falls was coming out of me.  I leaped up so fast I think I scared Josh, and I excitedly exclaimed "My water broke! My water broke!" He jumped out of bed just about as fast as I did and tried to find a towel for me, but ended up grabbing his shirt instead :-D I then hobbled to the shower, and cleaned up.  It was so exciting, and scary at the same time. But I was too excited to be scared.  I noticed though, that the fluid was not clear, and that is not good.  I called the IWK, and the RN told me to eat breakfast, take my time, even though it was not clear.  We ended up leaving around 8:00am, and got stuck in the rush hour traffic on a Monday morning...thankfully I was not in active labour.  I will never forget the beauty of that morning on the drive in...fresh snow on the trees with the sun just rising spreading a glittery shimmer on the roads.

We got to the IWK, and I didn't know that when your water breaks, it keeps flowing.  I got into admitting, and ran to the bathroom.  She explained then to me how the fluid keeps coming even after it breaks.  Once I got admitted, they tested the fluid and it was positive for meconium, which meant I had to be on constant monitoring as it could be a sign that the baby was in distress.  The resident came in and checked me, and mentioned that I would need to be induced to get labour going, as his little heart rate was decelerating.  This had happened six weeks before, when I was admitted to the IWK for early labour.  Our doula went back to our apartment to collect our belongings, as we had not planned well and forgot to bring everything! In that time, I was induced.  Labour was not bad at first...I thought "I can handle this".  I breathed through each contraction, and I felt when they peaked, and that reassured me that it was almost over.  Then I would be ok.  I even watched "Family Matters" on Josh's iPad :-)  As the morning went on, I felt the contractions becoming stronger, and it was becoming more difficult to breathe through them.  They gave me Fentanel, and it worked wonderful for me.  I still felt the pain, but it was more bearable. My RN later asked me if I wanted an epidural.  In my birth plan, I made it an option if I absolutely could not handle it.  I said maybe later, but she told me it had to be then, because it was about to get busy.  So I said yes.  Little did I know, I actually worked with the anaesthesiologist and his father! He was maybe a little older than me, and he put me at ease right away, joking about his dad (a Nephrologist on my unit).  I had such a fear of getting an epidural, but I have learned to not always believe the horror stories.  It was amazing, no lie.  And it also allowed me to get some sleep.

My Mom & Dad were in the birth unit with us, and it made the experience so much more relaxed for me!

Around 9:00pm, I was half asleep, but aware I was still about to have a baby.  The resident on call checked me, and told me I was 8cm.  I was so excited...that meant I would be pushing in probably an hour or two.  A little more time passed, when suddenly doctors and nurses filled the room, and put oxygen on me and told me to get on my hands and knees because the baby's heart rate had dropped to 20.  They said I had to go to the OR immediately.  I don't know why, but I didn't feel panicked. I even gave my Mom & Dad a "thumbs up" as they wheeled me out, because I saw the look of fear in their faces.  It was when I got to the OR doors that my lip started to quiver as I realized what was about to happen.

At 9:41 pm on January 7th, 2013 Caleb Michael was Born. 7lbs 9oz

Once we were in the OR, and they were prepping me for surgery, his heart rate stabilized.  The new anaesthesiologist on call was joking and trying to calm my nerves, and it worked.  I already had the epidural, so all they had to do was make sure I was numb and get started.  I remember saying "I feel pinching!" and then I heard my son cry for the first time...they had already started and there he was! It happened in minutes.  Josh went to see the baby, while our doula sat right by my head and told me what was happening.  I felt my body shake uncontrollably, and the RN's kept saying it was very normal.  The RN then put Caleb on my chest, and amazingly it helped to calm the shaking.  I cannot describe the rush of emotions I felt all at once...I was a Mommy! I delivered a baby! He is here! Is he ok? Am I ok?

About an hour after delivery, we were sent to recovery.  I started to feel quite sick, and developed a fever.  I started vomiting, which would continue all night.  I was still shivering a lot, and they placed Caleb on me skin to skin, and amazingly, it would stop the shaking.  I loved every second of having him on my chest, and the love I never thought I had before began.

As with breastfeeding, there are opinions when it comes to childbirth.  Posting my experience on here is a little scary, as I know people do have strong feelings.  But I also know, that if I did not go into it with an open mind that "anything can happen" I might not have handled it all as well.  I am in favour of natural childbirth.  I wanted that.  But things change.  I don't regret anything about my experience. I also would never expect anyone to ever do it one way.  I know people who are vehemently anti-caesarian sections, and only pro-natural..."Women are BUILT for having babies naturally!"....BUT every woman is different. We should not ever judge each other on our experiences and opinions on childbirth.  My son is alive and well, and that is what matters. I did not ask for a C-section, but it very well saved his life.  Someone even said maybe this would not have happened if I had of gotten out of bed more during labour and walked around.  But that person was not in my shoes (or bed!)

We were in the hospital for a total of five days, as Caleb had to have treatment under the lights for jaundice.  We paid for a private room (which I highly recommend!).  It turns out that on the same night I had Caleb, there were six other back to back C-Sections, including a set of twins.  The lack of sleep was mixed with the surge of adrenaline, and at one point I just broke down sobbing.  The RN was so incredibly nice, and offered to take Caleb and rock him for a bit so I could get some sleep.  Josh was amazing...and that seems like an understatement.  He changed all of the diapers while I was in bed, and even when I was up and about, he would do it.  Breastfeeding took some practice, but I am glad I kept trying. At one point Caleb's blood sugar dropped dangerously low, so we had to supplement with formula while I used the hospital breastpump to get my milk flowing.  He also lost almost two pounds.  By the time we had to go home, he was thriving again.

And so began our journey as the 3 Riendeau's

Because Caleb came so unexpectedly, we made a quick trip to Walmart on the way home from the hospital to get a few necessities.  It was so nice to be home! Home for a few months before our lives would change again.

Our dream come true

I always wanted to be a Mommy.  Every since I had my first baby doll.  I loved having my baby cousin live with us in our income suite (he is now turning 23!), and I remember fondly his first words, running around, and spending every Christmas Night at our house playing video games.

Always wanting to be a Mommy, but scared to death of kids.  I would always hear horror stories, see the screaming kids in the grocery store, see the one screaming while the parents tried to eat at the restaurant...how on earth would I be able to handle having a child of my own? I had never included a husband into the equation, even though it was my plan to have a husband, because I would not have sex before marriage (and I didn't have sex before marriage, thankfully).

Meeting Josh was special. It wasn't goosebumps "love at first sight" gaga type of thing.  It was soft, a glow that would not go away.  He was, and is, a gentleman, and is everything I have ever wanted in a man.  Everything I had prayed for, and waited for.  I waited a long, long time for the right one.  I had only dated a few men, and for very short periods of time.  After four months of dating, Josh asked me to marry him.  Two LONG, LONG YEARS later, we were married. Looking back at my 28 year old self, I would say do not draw out the engagement...get married within six months or a year.  Circumstances of a long engagement, and the wedding that we had no say in, still bothers me.  If I could do it all over again I would, but it would be our way. I won't go into the details of how the wedding was a bad dream, but I won't. I will say that in the end, being married to my absolute best friend is the best outcome of all.

In January of 2012, we found out that we were pregnant. Boy were we excited...our first baby! On one of our first dates, I asked Josh right out, "do you want kids" and he said "Absolutely." with no hesitation, and he maintained eye contact.  He was a keeper! Everyday on my way to work, I would daydream of what the baby would be, who he/she would look like, everything you dream about when you are pregnant.  Two weeks later, I started having bad cramps and discharge, so a friend drove me to the hospital.  They tested my levels, and told me to come back the next day to see if they would drop.  We went back, and sure enough they did slightly.  I saw my OB/GYN, and she said that I was a "threatened miscarriage" but there could still be a chance.  I felt encouraged.  The next day, the cramps became harder, and contraction like.  I called my friend again, and she picked me up and Josh at work, and took us to the hospital again.  The waiting room was so full, a Nurse came out and told everyone to leave because there were no beds. I sat there crying but she said we have one for you.  When I walked in, I felt the most horrible pain ever, and leaned onto the bed, and then I felt something slip out, and suddenly the pain was gone.  I hobbled to the bathroom and looked, and there was my little baby.  Barely the size of a finger nail. The nurse gave it to the Doctor, and he verified that it was "loss of the pregnancy" but to Josh and I, it was our baby.  We both cried, and called our parents. The staff of the Cobequid Health Centre Emergency Department were so compassionate and helpful while we were there.

The weeks preceding the miscarriage was the worst time of my life.  I still had pregnancy hormones, and it can take up to six weeks for them to drop to normal.  I was sad, but I found it hard to cry. I felt like I had to be there for Josh.  I watched every season of Full House, to try to keep my mood up.  I was so depressed. We were so thankful for family and friends that brought us meals, as we didn't feel like cooking.  To us, it was a death.  Our baby, our dreams.  I didn't know if I would ever feel better, or if I could get pregnant again.

April 2012...pregnant again! I took several tests just to be sure, and saw my OB/GYN right away.  She was great, and I actually miss her! At our ultrasound at 18 weeks, we were told by the radiologist that the scan showed "soft markers" for down syndrome, and that there were also cysts on his brain.  We were shocked, and didn't know what to think. We both cried, and wondered if this would work. Would he/she be ok? We prayed, and decided no matter what, this baby would be loved! We went to UC Baby in September and found out "It's a Boy!" I had that feeling all along, and I was right (this time).  We already knew we wanted to name him Caleb Michael.  It just seemed to fit.

More to come later.  Little man is waking up from his nap :-)

Do you think for yourself?

An education will teach you to think for yourself, using well-established and time-honored methods as you move toward truth. Indoctrination will force you to ask no questions but to simply believe what you're told, rejecting those who don't see it your way.
Have you been educated or indoctrinated??? -Steve McVey


That is something to think about, for yourself. I have been to a couple churches where we were told to not question the Pastor or the leadership, because they heard from God.  (Does God not speak to you too?) I have been accused of trying to "control the Holy Spirit" because I had concerns with the presentation of the sermons.  Shunned by those who I counted as friends, because I did not agree with them or their church.  Manipulated to give money, told off when I tried to raise concerns about the counselling.  Something is wrong, and no one there sees it.  All we can do is pray, and believe that God has the greater picture.  But it hurts to know that some people are going to be hurt more than they can even imagine when it all becomes clear.

Have you been educated, or indoctrinated?

Stealing Hearts since 2013

I can't believe my little baby is 11 months old today! Where does the time go? Soon he will be a toddler.  I am so thankful and grateful to God for the gift he entrusted me with on that cold January night.  Forever blessed.

One day at a time, always learning

As a new Mommy to an 11 month old wonder, I can definitely say that I am always learning.  Nothing ever comes in an instant, and patience comes in handy.  I introduced my little guy to solids a few months ago, just a little at a time so he could get used to it.  At first, he was a natural.  He would instantly eat what I put to his mouth.  It was great! It was easy! Well, that was just temporary.

Caleb seems to have the gag reflex of his dear Momma.  For as long as I can remember, whenever I would try a new unfamiliar food, I would gag.  Caleb is the exact same way.  I have found though, that if he has not lost his lunch after the first bite, and I keep trying with small amounts, he will eat it all.  I just need to be slow, and let him experience each new taste at his own pace.  So far he likes sweet potato, carrots (sometimes), strawberry, and he loves raspberry, and blueberry cereals.

Breastfeeding. It is a touchy subject.  For us, I breastfed for six months.  I honestly loved it.  I loved the connection I felt with my son, and I loved being able to give him the nutrition he needed.  I loved watching him fall asleep on the nursing pillow while I sat in the rocker/recliner most of the day and night.  I did not do it exclusively however.  When he was born, (I will post his birth story at some point), he lost weight drastically and quick.  He was not gaining it back, and his blood sugars dropped.  It was quite scary for my husband and I.  We ended up supplementing with formula as I pumped, and also nursed.  At six months old, I would try and try to nurse, but he just would not have it.  He seemed to say he was done.  My heart ached, and I even cried.  I wanted to keep feeding him the way my Mommy heart knew I was supposed to.  But as time went on, I resigned to the fact that he took the bottle, and never ever had an issue with both before he stopped breastfeeding.  He was so healthy and hearty, and that is a very GOOD thing.  I have read forums and articles on breastfeeding, and honestly I would feel almost depressed, thinking if other women saw me feeding him a bottle, they would judge me harshly.  Some people have even said that breastfeeding is a sign of how much you love your baby.  That hurt.  That hurt the inner core of my being.  I still struggle with the thought of someone thinking I may not love my baby because I do not nurse him anymore.  For those who can breastfeed as long as they do, I am so happy you can.  I a social media world however, it is always women comparing themselves to others, and judging behind a keyboard.  

I love my son with a love I never knew existed, or was even possible.  We are all different.  Diversity is an amazing thing.  Breastfeeding or not, has nothing to do with the level of love a mother has for her child.  When I have another baby, I will be trying it again! We will see how it goes.  I will be honest...breastfeeding was horribly painful at times! But I did not give up. He would latch, and my face would turn a new shade of purple as he began, and after a minute or so I would be fine, and he would be happy.  I used lanolin, and it was amazing!

So to all the Momma's out there...keep on going...one day at a time, always learning. Be there for each other,  never be afraid to ask for help or advice.  One thing I found as a new Mommy is that women do not seem hesitant at all to share their own experiences :-)

What to say...

Well, I have done it! I have joined the world of blogging.  I have been putting it off for a few years.  I have never been an eloquent writer, but I think documenting my thoughts, experiences, and feelings will be nice.  I used to do it as a young girl, but with paper and pencil :-)

Where to start? There is so much to say.  I will start with this year.  I am a new Mommy.  My little Caleb Michael is turning 11 months this week.  Where does the time go? It goes fast.  He is the love of my life, and a light in every way.  I think he was born smiling.  Don't get me wrong, he does have his moments! But he can make my heart melt in a millisecond.  Amid all the fears and concerns of having a baby, I must say it has been an incredible journey better than I thought it would be.  A love I never knew invaded my life.  Ask me how it will be with another baby, and I won't have an answer. We will just have to wait and see.

My opening blog is short, but I have so much more to say.  Up and coming on a future blog :-)