One of those nights...

This seems to be one of those nights when I feel tired, but sleep just does not come.  My husband is asleep, my baby has been asleep for hours, but me? No.  I love sleep.  It just won't come.  It is one of those nights where I cannot turn off my brain.  Re-living times and events I want to forget.  Wondering this, wondering that, wondering why, wondering when will something change.  Wondering what is wrong with me.  So many feelings flowing through the stream of my life.

Sound depressing? It's not that.  But it would take me a long time to write down all my thoughts on the events of the last decade of my experience within two churches.  Some good times, and some bad times, just like in life.  It always started out good.  It always does, that is what kept me going in the beginning.  The right words would always be said, the welcome mat was always rolled out.  Treated like an amazing person, with all the grace in the world.  As time would go on, eventually something would be expected of you.  You needed to contribute, naturally.  There is nothing wrong with that, unless you are pressured.  You are expected to always be there, to give of your time, money, energy, more money, more time, more energy.  Told to fast and pray when the Pastors said to.  If you are not careful, that can be a dangerous form of control, also seen in cults.  If they can get you hungry enough, and tired enough, you can make decisions you would otherwise not make.  Matthew 6 is an excellent read on prayer, fasting, riches, good deeds, and how to do them.  It is amazing how the church I attended went against it, and so much more.

I want to write more on this subject, and I will when I can express the right words.  I still have quite a bit of hurt and anger to work through, and also forgiveness.  This blog is just a drop in the bucket of issues that need to be told about.  I know I am hated because of my stance on it, but I would rather be hated for leaving, than to be loved for someone I am not.  I am far from any form of perfection, and I will never claim it.  I am a simple woman who loves God, and I want to see my friends and family freed from the chains of religion.  Even cults begin as a little church wanting to have a big impact.  The perpetrators are also victims, without ever knowing it.  Do some research on "Jonestown", and see how that started, and tragically ended.  I do not want to ever see that happen again.

I ask for prayer, and understanding, as I work through the muddle of religion that I fell into.  Prayer for healing, and rest.  It may be impossible to feel what I am feeling, and to understand what I have been through, that that is okay.  God's got this.  I will keep telling myself that.  To let go of things I cannot control, and pray that eyes will be opened.  I long for peace of mind, and peace of spirit.

Longing to just be at rest, like my baby boy

Be At Rest.

Tomorrow morning, (well, this morning), we are going to church.  It is something we rarely do, as Josh works on Sundays.  Thinking about it makes me anxious.  Anxious about being a part of a gathering of believers, and not knowing what to expect.  Afraid of being shunned if I do not agree, or looked down upon for any reason at all.  But...I am willing to open my mind again, and to learn to love again.  Not every church is bad, and I do strongly believe in my heart that there is good out there.  Baby steps, one at a time.