Walking through Winter

Winter is not my favourite season, for very long.  I absolutely love it in the month of December, and then I long for green grass and warm sunshine again.  Last year, I was very busy and tired with a fresh new baby, and going out was not an option most of the time.  It seemed to just fly by because I was so incredibly busy.  For me this year, January has absolutely been one of the longest months on record.  It has been so icy and snowy that I haven't been able to get out and walk, and it certainly shows in my outward appearance.  I found out a few days ago that Fredericton has not one, but two FREE walking trails...I am still excited about it! I have gone twice so far, and I love it.  Pushing Caleb in the stroller adds some extra resistance, and I feel amazing.  I plan on going every day after I take Josh to work.  I am pumped about this. Gym memberships are so expensive, and it is hard to get the time with a toddler.  Fredericton has beautiful outdoor trails in the summer, so there is always somewhere to walk, bike, and explore. I LOVE it here!

Downtown Fredericton in May

Fredericton North in June on the Riverfront

Down by the river in Marysville, NB...one of the many walking trails

The Grant Harvey Centre Walking Track

One of those nights...

This seems to be one of those nights when I feel tired, but sleep just does not come.  My husband is asleep, my baby has been asleep for hours, but me? No.  I love sleep.  It just won't come.  It is one of those nights where I cannot turn off my brain.  Re-living times and events I want to forget.  Wondering this, wondering that, wondering why, wondering when will something change.  Wondering what is wrong with me.  So many feelings flowing through the stream of my life.

Sound depressing? It's not that.  But it would take me a long time to write down all my thoughts on the events of the last decade of my experience within two churches.  Some good times, and some bad times, just like in life.  It always started out good.  It always does, that is what kept me going in the beginning.  The right words would always be said, the welcome mat was always rolled out.  Treated like an amazing person, with all the grace in the world.  As time would go on, eventually something would be expected of you.  You needed to contribute, naturally.  There is nothing wrong with that, unless you are pressured.  You are expected to always be there, to give of your time, money, energy, more money, more time, more energy.  Told to fast and pray when the Pastors said to.  If you are not careful, that can be a dangerous form of control, also seen in cults.  If they can get you hungry enough, and tired enough, you can make decisions you would otherwise not make.  Matthew 6 is an excellent read on prayer, fasting, riches, good deeds, and how to do them.  It is amazing how the church I attended went against it, and so much more.

I want to write more on this subject, and I will when I can express the right words.  I still have quite a bit of hurt and anger to work through, and also forgiveness.  This blog is just a drop in the bucket of issues that need to be told about.  I know I am hated because of my stance on it, but I would rather be hated for leaving, than to be loved for someone I am not.  I am far from any form of perfection, and I will never claim it.  I am a simple woman who loves God, and I want to see my friends and family freed from the chains of religion.  Even cults begin as a little church wanting to have a big impact.  The perpetrators are also victims, without ever knowing it.  Do some research on "Jonestown", and see how that started, and tragically ended.  I do not want to ever see that happen again.

I ask for prayer, and understanding, as I work through the muddle of religion that I fell into.  Prayer for healing, and rest.  It may be impossible to feel what I am feeling, and to understand what I have been through, that that is okay.  God's got this.  I will keep telling myself that.  To let go of things I cannot control, and pray that eyes will be opened.  I long for peace of mind, and peace of spirit.

Longing to just be at rest, like my baby boy

Be At Rest.

Tomorrow morning, (well, this morning), we are going to church.  It is something we rarely do, as Josh works on Sundays.  Thinking about it makes me anxious.  Anxious about being a part of a gathering of believers, and not knowing what to expect.  Afraid of being shunned if I do not agree, or looked down upon for any reason at all.  But...I am willing to open my mind again, and to learn to love again.  Not every church is bad, and I do strongly believe in my heart that there is good out there.  Baby steps, one at a time.

A day in the ring...

Well, the inevitable happened.  To me anyway.  I told myself last year when I was pregnant that I should take off my wedding band and engagement ring because of the extra fluid and weight gain, but I felt like they were too important to remove, and I loved wearing them.  I haven't been able to remove them since, and lately there has been extra swelling in my hands and feet.

We tried EVERYTHING...butter, baby oil, ice, hand raised above my head...nothing worked

Today I had the rings cut off.  It pained me to do it, but it was more of a pain to wear them.  I was assured by the associate at Charm that they could be repaired and re-fitted, and I would not know it.  He said if he had a nickel for every set of rings he cut off for the very same reason, he would be rich. Embarrassed? Yes, but very relieved :-) Next step would be to find the cause of the swelling.  I don't eat excessive amounts of salt, but I also do not cut it out of my diet because my low blood pressure. My cardiologist a few years ago told me to ADD more salt, but I don't add more.

Some great news! On January 8th, the day after Caleb's birthday, my sister gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, named Abigail Ellen Marie! She is my third niece, and she is so tiny and beautiful.  She weighed 6 lbs 12oz, and we couldn't be happier for her and Jason, and big sister Brooklyn!

Big sister Brooklyn is four years old and spunky :-)

Welcome baby Abby <3

Caleb's 1st Birthday!

Our little guy turned one years old today, at 9:41pm ast to be exact.  Most the the day was spent reflecting on that day one year ago.  I don't know how many times in the last year I have replayed his actual day of birth in my mind, and I always have a sense of wonder and awe on the Miracle of life.  Caleb even woke up before 9:41, like he knew it was his special moment :-)

Beautiful

Lately I have been reading a lot of articles on baby weight, post partum weight, how easy it is to lose, how hard it is to lose, etc.  Being a first time mom, and seeing other pregnancies, I did think it would be an easy thing to do. I started showing a "baby bump" around 10 weeks, and some would comment saying I was huge for 10 weeks.  Boy, didn't that make me feel awesome (not really).  I absolutely loved that I was showing, but I did not appreciate the comments.  For some reason, pregnancy can bring out the right to comment on a woman's weight, right when her hormones are getting wacky, and saying you are "huge" is a step in the wrong direction! :-)

11 weeks Pregnant

I tried to take it all in stride.  "They don't mean I am fat" "They don't know what they are saying", but the words still hurt.  As most women, I have always struggled with my weight.  I have never been overweight, but would always "feel fat".  What's with that? Media? Social media? Comparing ourselves with our peers? But it was always a thorn in my side.  Seeing photos on magazines while waiting in line at the grocery store, seeing posts on Facebook, especially stupid ads that appear on my own page about weight loss.  This is also the time of year that the TV ads come out.

17 weeks, and healthy!

My husband has always been my biggest cheerleader.  He always tells me I am beautiful.  The things I hate about my body, he loves.  I still have to work on accepting that.  He is my biggest fan.  I am about 30lbs heavier than when we first met, but he doesn't care about that. When I was single and a college student I was very lonely, and not feeling like anyone would ever be interested in me.  I always felt like something was wrong with me, and since I didn't know what was wrong, I couldn't work on fixing it.  So I sometimes would not eat for a while, and when I did, it was not healthy food.  I would also eat food as a measure of comfort.  I was not anorexic or bulimic, but close to it. Thankfully, I came around and began to be more comfortable with my body.

2008, very small and alone, even in a crowd.

2009, on a date with this guy named Josh :-)

They say that when you are happy, (get married), that you gain weight.  Well I guess that is true for me.  Josh has made me incredibly happy.  Someone who accepted me for me, never any strings attached.  But I still struggled with my body image.  When I was pregnant I absolutely loved my baby bump so much, I was so in love with my baby before I even met him.  I do miss being pregnant a lot. But I always felt like my face looked puffy, blah blah blah.

I gained over 40lbs when I was pregnant.  The normal range is 25-35lbs, but I attribute the excess gain from being on bed rest for 6 weeks, and unable to walk off all the meals I had in bed for over a month period.

When I gave birth to Caleb, I lost 20lbs right away, and then another 10lbs from breastfeeding. I also still seem to retain water like I am a thirsty bay at high tide.   Right now I am overweight, but still somewhat happy with where I am.  I have a long way to go, and I will get there. But I need to lose weight for the right reasons.  Not because all my post partum friends did it faster than me, but because I want to be healthy.

Six months post partum

10 months post partum

 All of us Mommies are beautiful.  We had an actual human being grow on the inside of us.  They depended on us for their life.  It would be so amazing, if we could  be there for each other and encourage each other that we ARE beautiful...strong, courageous, and so much more...and stop comparing ourselves to anyone, even though it is easier said than done.  I know I am far from perfect in any way, but I hope I can encourage someone that they are majestic as they are.  Even if you have not had a baby, your body is a beautiful temple.

My reason for staying healthy, and beautiful.