One year in NB

Oh my, it is so hard to believe that one year ago we packed up very quickly, and moved to New Brunswick.  We had actually decided about a month before the move to actually do it, but we waited to tell everyone.  We had to do it that way because it was more of an escape for us.  We did not want the drama from certain people.  In February of 2013, we had a discussion with the associate pastor of the church we attended about some big concerns we had about the ministry.  It was a disaster.  He accused us of "trying to control the Holy Spirit" because we didn't agree with shouting and being yelled at on Sunday's, he said that the reason we felt that way was because we had issues that we refused to deal with. When we asked why responsibility was not being taken, he said if something was wrong then he would know it. In other words, what we said really didn't matter because we were not important.  The heated discussion went on into the evening, and nothing was resolved. We tried. The next morning at church, he took the entire conversation and used it as his sermon.  It was an effort to shame us, and put fear into us to stay in that church.  That was the last straw.

Every Sunday preceding that last Sunday was always filled with condemnation filled sermons, and a LOT of old testament rhetoric.  We were told to never, ever question leadership.  Everything would be fine if you didn't, but once you start, you are on their radar as a possible enemy.  Things were also very, very secretive.  Begging congregants for money, to take out loans and mortgages to finance the failed attempt of a Christian business that could not pay the bills.  None of this is an exaggeration.  They said that this business that they started was "God's baby" and it was the church's responsibility to "take care of the baby" (pay for it). This was followed by congregants who said they had dreams about this business, and about how God was going to pour into it financially within months, etc.  The business was evicted less than a year later, and taken to court for not paying the rent. Before the closing, we, as well as others, poured our own personal finances into it thinking we were doing a good thing...and we were told that we would be paid back, but to never tell anyone. As soon as they said to keep it quiet, I was seriously regretting giving anything.  To date we have not seen a nickel back of the thousands we loaned.  We have also learned this is the fate of others as well.

We decided to move to Fredericton, as I have family here, and it is a beautiful place to raise a young family.  It is also far from that place, and from people who only care if we do what they want.  The associate pastor tried to tell my husband that if he left, he would be on the "path to destruction". We are quite happy actually, and we are glad we did not listen to threats.  These people act nice to us now, as if nothing ever happened.  But behind our backs they told people that we left the church because my husband had "problems". The leadership covering their own backsides, trying to save face.  They have done this each time a member would leave the church.  The self-proclaimed Prophetess of that church was heard saying of my husband "I raise my boys to be a certain way, and one goes and betrays me". If leaving to live a life with his wife is a betrayal, then they a hypocritical about a man leaving his father and mother, and cleaving only to his wife. (Ephesians 5:31). That was a main staple in the pre-marriage counselling as well!)

We have forgiven, but we will not forget.

If you have grown up in that environment, then that is all you know.  That is indeed heartbreaking.  To sit week after week and just take the abuse in the name of love, just hoping things get better, you are just lying to yourself.  I can tell you now that our experiences were not just mere misunderstandings.  We left a cult.

Right before we left, tired out.  Sadly, we could not see our new Niece who was newly born early that morning, as we had a 6 hour drive ahead of us.

On the move, almost 4 months old

One year ago we packed up our tiny car, with our four month old, and began a new journey for us.  It was the best decision we ever made.  We still struggle with the idea of church, and going to church is actually a scary thing. It is going to take time and a lot of healing to trust again.  I feel so incredibly heartbroken and sad for those who chose to stay in that place.  They can get mad at me if they want, the probably already are, but I won't have my mouth taped shut, or my fingers taped together. I want them to be free to think for themselves, not fed what to think from the pulpit. I was told it is easier to just ignore what they say, and let it go, but that is unhealthy, and unconsciously you will be letting their words into your soul.

We are happy in our new home, and love the peace we have being on our own.  We do miss our friends and family in NS, and hope someday this can all be a distant memory.  We are constantly praying for those affected, even if they do not know that they are.

Getting back up

April 2001 was a milestone of sorts for me.  I was learning to drive. My dad had bought a new family car, a Pontiac Sunfire, and in 2001 there were a lot more of them around. It was a nice shiny, brand new car.  The next day, Dad and I went out for a drive, and he put me in the drivers seat so I could get some more practice.  I was just about ready to get my full license.  We drove all over the Valley.  Port Williams, Kingsport Beach, etc.  It was a mild, sunny day.  I even remember we were listening to Kerry Livgren's "Decade" CD. We drove through Canning, up the North Mountain.

Lovely Kingsport Beach

When we got to the top, we turned left towards Halls Harbour.  I remember thinking I REALLY had to go pee...serious.  I knew I would have to wait until we got to the Harbour.  No more than 30 seconds passed when we came to the Baxter's Harbour Rd intersection when a car flew at high speed through the stop sign and t-boned us on the front of the car, drivers side.  The air bags deployed, and the car spun a few times and landed in the ditch.  It felt like slow motion. I remember the smell of smoke, powder from the airbags, and somehow getting out of the car and landing in a small snowbank, and some nearby farmers ran over to assist us.  Dad ran to check on the other driver.  He had not been wearing a seatbelt, and had landed on the passenger side, and was trapped.  He was drunk.  I kept thinking "I killed someone, I killed someone" and apologizing to Dad for crashing the car. After that is a blur, with vague memories of paramedics and firefighters, and being strapped to a backboard with blood on my face from the airbag sending my fist into my nose.  The paramedics had to cut my jeans up to my hip because my leg was hurt.  I did not see the car until a few days later at the junkyard, and it was a write off. The front end like a piece of tinfoil folded in someone's hand.

That day was in a way a nightmare. I saw "my life flash before my eyes".  If that car had of hit us a second or two later, he would have hit us driver side, and I would have been killed.  At 1:00pm, his blood alcohol level was through the roof.  He told the police that his buddy was driving his car, and had run off.  Months later, Dad and I had to testify in court against him.  I don't remember the outcome, except we did get a small cash settlement, and another new car.

I did not want to drive again. For days after the accident, I could not be in a quiet room because I would constantly hear the "BANG" of metal against metal.  I had whiplash and back pain, which still affects me today.  What also affects me is the memory, and the sense of gratefulness that no one was killed.  I did not want to get behind the wheel of a car again.

I have always felt very close to my dad.  I don't know why.  Maybe because he was the first to hold me when I was born.  I read in a note that when I was an hour old, I was very fussy and crying, but when my dad reached into the isolette, I stopped crying and was still.  I have always felt a bond with him.  A month or so after the accident, he was driving with me to my Nan's in Port Williams.  He pulled over to the side of the road, and told me to get into the drivers seat.  My heart pounded.  Every time I was in town and someone would pull out from an intersection or a driveway, I would flinch. I still get nervous now, but not as bad.  He said if I did not get back into the drivers seat, I would regret it.  So I did it. I took my time, and we made it to Nan's. In July 2001, I got my full drivers license, thanks to my dad.

Daddy's girl from day one. June 1982, born 10 weeks premature.

This day would not have happened were it not for the Grace of God looking out for us that day.

Happy, healthy, and now a Wife and Mommy, standing with my Dad in Fredericton.

Just like Caleb learning to walk, all he needed to begin, was Confidence.  In life, if you fall off a horse, you get right back on.  Don't let a setback change the course of your life.  This applies to all areas of life.  The horse I have to get back on is to get back into a Church fellowship.  We are taking one step at a time, one day a time.  Thank you God for sparing us, and for blessing us beyond what we ever dreamed.

Walking the walk....

Well today Caleb hit a huge milestone. He is walking! It is hard in this social media world to not compare and think well maybe he is walking a little late, but each and every baby hits their own milestone when they are ready.  Today was his day! Walking before a year does not make a baby any smarter than one walking at 14 months.  It just means he was taking his sweet time.  He has walked for months with assistance, but was very hesitant to let go of our finger or anything stable, so his legs have had plenty of practice.  I am so proud of my little boy, and I am so glad I did not miss it.  Pretty soon we will be running to catch up with him :-)

Writers Block

It has been a while since I have written anything here, mostly because I don't know what to say.  I guess that is called "writers block".  There are so many things I could say, but I won't say yet.  I am still dealing with heavy emotions, and wanting to do and say the right thing.  I have had to block some people from my Facebook, as sometimes I get heated when I see some things they say online, and I also do not want to hurt them by what I say.  I tend to post a lot on religion, and the dangers, because I came out of two churches on very dangerous roads.  When someone does not see the wrong in the place they are in, they will just look at my posts and hate me, and I do not want that.  Relationships should be more than social media anyway. We all tend to say things online that we would never say to someones face, even if we think we are "correcting" that person.

Actions usually speak louder than words. Our action was we left Nova Scotia to start a new life for us, apart from the church that deeply hurt us.  Some may see it as a betrayal, but they do not see everything (yet).  It took me years to get over the hurt of the previous church I attended before I met Josh.  I was an angry person coming out of there.  But now I have come to accept that there was nothing I could do, but move on, and move on I did.  God knows our hearts, and is the ultimate healer.  We are learning over again to trust in Him, and walk with Him again.  It is a process, a painful process. We are so incredibly thankful for true friends that stood beside us and did not ignore us.

On the topic of heavy emotions.  Some believe that emotions are bad, and we are not to be "controlled" by them.  Usually those people are.  There are good, and bad emotions, but they are there to work through, not to ignore.  A lot of Christians can't stand the thought of having to deal with anyone who shows their emotions if they are not always good.  We must be in sin if we are having a bad day, or we are being controlled by our emotions. Sometimes people just need someone to LISTEN, and not try to solve the issue of why we feel the way we do...by posting scriptures online pertaining to the issue.  That is called "Proof-Texting". It can be dangerous, and we need to be careful if we are doing that. Here is a link to an explanation of proof-texting:

http://www.reclaimingthemind.org/blog/2010/09/the-problem-with-proof-texting/

Having any kind of emotion is not bad, it is healthy and wise to feel them, release them, and move on.  But not rushed so to ignore them as if you never had any feeling.  It is also not wise to always follow a person whether it be a pastor, author, or speaker, and not be able to back it up.  I used to be one to literally worship (I didn't realize it at the time), a Pastor, and it is dangerous! The only one deserving of our worship is the Lord.

Shawn Annis of Faith Christian Fellowship in Moncton sums it up well:

Faith, fear, and unbelief are not choices you make. Nobody in the history of the human race has chosen an emotion.

"Faith cometh by..." It's a fruit of a root. That root is who Jesus is and what He has done for you.

Compassionless condemnation tells a person he/she has "chosen" fear or unbelief. 

See Jesus in His grace and He will see you in His faith.

On a much brighter note, our little guy is 14 months old today! He is an amazing ray of sunshine in our lives, and I am so so so happy we have him.  Although I am not expecting right now, I am looking forward to him having a sibling someday ;-)  Children are such a blessing from the Lord, and we take seriously the task of raising him, and I hope and pray he will be a responsible, respectful, fun loving man who will always love others.  It is fun to see his personality grow along with him.

Saving the world, one diaper at a time

It is now 4:56pm, and the sun is still shining very brightly.  Don't forget to put the clocks ahead tomorrow night! Although now most clocks and phones do that themselves :-) The temperature is also above zero...horrrraaaayyyy!!!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Although we were married in 2011, Today marks my 4th Valentines Day with my dear husband, Joshua.  We started "courting" in 2009.  Maybe sometime I will blog "Our Story" :-)

Words cannot express how grateful I am to have him in my life.  He has always been there with a word of encouragement, and an amazing hug.  He makes me laugh, he wipes my tears when I cry, and he even knows what feminine product I use, haha.  He is a keeper! This morning as I went into the kitchen, he stopped me in my tracks and told me not to enter. I could smell pancakes though! He creatively set up the island in the middle of our kitchen with orange juice in our crystal goblets, and he used my favourite classic dishes.  He made heart-shaped pancakes, and had my FAVOURITE Lindt melt-in-your-mouth chocolates.

A lot of people say Valentines Day is a "Hallmark Holiday", and that it doesn't really matter. But I think that if there is a day where we can especially share the love we have for each other, than we should.  Life is so short, and we need to celebrate each other ON Valentines Day, and every day of the year.  Since I was a little girl, I have known seven young people in my life through the years that have tragically died too young.  It has taught me to appreciate and love life, and live it to the fullest.  No one is immune from death, but we have a choice to live life the best way we can.

P.S. I Love You all!

Sochi Olympics - Go Team Canada!

Well it is that time again! It feels like the 2010 Vancouver Olympics just ended...how can it be 2014 already? I have always been a big fan of the Olympics.  Among my favourites are Pairs Skating, Ski Jump, Hockey, and I LOVE speed skating.  I'm not sure how Team Canada will do this year, but we got our first Bronze medal today.  I am praying also for the athlete's safety in Sochi, since there have been numerous threats against the games from extremists. We looked on the map, and Sochi is actually in the southern part of Russia, close to the middle east.  I didn't know they could get a lot of snow there :-)

Go Canada Go!

Caleb is cheering for Canada ;-)

Turn the other cheek, but watch out

It has been hard to know what to write, when all I have wanted to do is expose the truth behind a so called ministry. But the fact is, I don't want to lash out and say things I might regret later.  There are so many different doctrines, and variables in our own Christian community.  I believe for the most part that is the way it is supposed to be. We are all part of the body of Christ, with different functions.

1 Corinthians 12 says "There are diversities of gifts, but the same Spirit.  There are differences of ministries, but the same Lord." Verse 12 says "For as the body is one and has many members, but all the members of that one body, being many, are one body, so also is Christ.  For by one Spirit we are all baptized into one body-whether Jews or Greeks, whether slaves or free-and have all been made to drink into one Spirit.  For in fact the the body is not one member, but many.  If the foot should say "Because I am not a hand, I am not of the body" is it therefore not of the body? And if the ear should say "Because I am not an eye , I am not of the body" is it therefore not of the body? If the whole body  WERE an eye, where would be the hearing? If the whole body were hearing, where would be the smelling? But now God has set the members each one of them in the body just as He pleased. And if they were all one member, where would the body be? But now there are indeed many members, yet one body.  And the eye cannot say to the hand "I have no need of you" nor again the head to the feet "I have no need of you" No, much rather no members of the body which seem to be weaker are necessary.

I have heard first hand in the last two churches I have attended, Pastors openly say how other churches are wrong, there are apostates in the other churches, their ministry is the only right ministry, etc etc. It is sickening to hear.  They really feel that their mandate is to save the saved.  The senior pastor came to North America to evangelize from Africa.  He was back in Africa for three years under a few stories of why, and we don't know the whole truth.  With many business ventures here, and around the globe, it is shady.  Many have left that church, including my husband and I, and I have recently found out that people have been told that we left because "we had problems".  Every person that has left that church has that said about them.  Every one.  We apparently all have unresolved issues to deal with, and the Pastors and leaders have no issues at all.  If they did, "The Lord would tell them".  I believe the Lord HAS told them, many many times, through the ones that have left.  Warnings do not just come from the top brass.

One of the first red flags for me was when the Pastors told me that "The Lord speaks to us in dreams, and tells us everything about everyone in the congregation".  WARNING: It is them trying to control you.  One can be easily intimidated into thinking eyes are on them ALL the time, and if they don't act in such a way that is "godly", then the leadership will know, and come down hard on you.  You can walk up to anyone, particularly a Christian, and say that God has shown you a secret sin about this person, and of COURSE they might immediately feel guilty...we all sin in some way! It is a way to corner you into confessing what it is, and this will tighten their grip on you if you are not careful.  I was told one time that the reason the church is the way it is, is because there was sin in the church to be dealt with.  They deal with it by shaming people in the congregation without using their names, (they did this to us when we decided to leave).  They said their own family was betraying them.  When we confronted the associate Pastor about our concerns for the church, he told us that we were trying to control the Holy Spirit because we did not agree with how the church was run and how the sermons were presented (Presented with yelling, condescending teaching, yelling about the "FIRE OF GOD", heavily focused on sin, darkness in our lives, etc.  Never on the finished work of Jesus, or even Grace.

Another dangerous sign is being told over, and over again...NEVER Question leadership. Never look online for information on Christian leaders. You must TRUST the leadership ALWAYS.  Nevermind 1 John 4..."Beloved, do not believe every Spirit, but test the spirits, whether they are of God; because many false prophets have gone out into the world". In saying that, we were also told that one of them IS a Prophet, to whom we must listen.

There are Many red flags, so many that I cannot post about them tonight.  But let me say this has been a heart struggle. It hurts that everyone I had come to know in that place seriously has no clue what has been going on, or they would not still be there.  They think we are troublemakers, and we have very much felt excommunicated.  That is another sign of a very religious place.  It feels like another Jonestown in the making.  Wanting to build homes on the church property for members to live off the grid, have their own gardens for food, their own "bank", their own businesses.  Nevermind that they have been sued for not paying their bills for the businesses they did have, and have had their registrations with Joint Stock NS revoked for not paying the member fees, and asked the congregation to take out mortgages and lines of credit for the church. But everything is always hush-hush.

I am so tired. I feel like crying, but I can't bring a tear.  I have wanted several times to throw in the towel on organized religion.  We are attending church again, but with very high guards up.  The healing is going to take maybe years to fully come, but I am believing that everything happens for a reason.  Maybe we can be of help to those who come out of similar situations. This post is only the tip of the iceberg from that place, and that is heartbreaking.  Spiritual Abuse is real, very real.  And the unknowing victims who deny it will hurt the most when they see the light.